TAKEN

“TAKEN” (Liam Neeson)
I have been chastised for paying money to see ‘Paul Blart:Mall Cop’, which, prior to the release of ‘Taken’ was #1 at the box office. The main reason I went to see ‘Taken’ was BECAUSE it was #1 after its opening week – perhaps it was better than what I surmised from the weak trailer? After the lights came up, I thought to myself – I feel more embarrassed for having paid to sit thru this dreck than I did at Paul Blart. Why? The ‘Mall Cop’ trailer made me chuckle a couple of times, so I felt justified in giving it a shot. I thought ‘Taken’ looked stupid from the trailer as I wondered why would Liam Neeson’s character tell his daughter to get under the bed & then ask her to describe the kidnappers out loud? Wouldn’t it have made much more sense to hide in a closet where she could SEE the kidnappers before they discovered her whereabouts? Hiding under the bed – she sees nothing until its too late. From the closet she could have taken a picture of the kidnappers & then put the phone inside a coat pocket for daddy to find... Yes, I spent way too much time analyzing the preview to this, but that’s beside the point – the fact is – I was right – this is moronic crap & usually when I stumble upon popular moronic crap I reveal a lot more about the plot than normal as I want to warn those who might think this is an ‘awesome’ movie that no, it isn’t, & here’s why...
Yet again, I found myself finding the main characters grating – In this case, the daughter, Kim (Maggie Grace) she is a spoiled brat 17 year old with an extremely wealthy step-father who buys her a horse for her 17th birthday. Watching Kim climb up on her exorbitant present & trot around the mansion she lives in made me sneer in disgust. Her pretentious mother (Famke Janssen) was even worse – acting indignant because ‘birth’ daddy Bryan (Neeson) wanted to give Kim’s present to her directly instead of putting it on the ‘under $1,000 gift’ table. When next we see Kim, she is begging daddy to allow her go to Paris with her friend Amanda. When real dad says he’ll have to think about it, Kim bursts into tears... like the spoiled rotten brat she is - & we’re suppose to care when this little nimrod is kidnapped?
& here’s one of those little nuances that bugged me, & probably no one else even noticed, but Kim’s posture was distracting – there seemed to be numerous scenes of Kim walking away from the camera & each time I found myself wondering if that was the way the actress actually walked, or her odd sloped shouldered, gangly bouncing steps were ‘instructed’ by the director.
The plot is simple; Kim, of course gets her way & she & Amanda arrive in France & within minutes are ‘taken’ – Just as daddy predicted & why he was reluctant to let her go.
Liam with his ‘certain’ skills gained over a long career as a bodyguard arrives in France before anyone in Gay Paree even knows the girls have been abducted (Must be one of those bodyguard skills that allows him to fly faster than Superman)
He immediately ascertains that the girls were taken by ‘flesh peddlers’ that kidnap exceptionally rich offspring of foreigners & sell them to the highest bidder... Now, explain to me how that makes sense – Here we have 2 attractive spoiled teenage girls moving into the ENTIRE 5th floor of a swanky hotel & these clowns decide to go to the trouble of drugging them, making them available for sex & then selling them off as harem girls to obscenely rich slave owners... Wouldn’t it be simpler to hold them for ransom so their equally obscenely wealthy parents can pony up the big bucks to get them back?
Numerous times I’d hear Dana Carvey’s Church Lady saying “How conveeenient!” as Bryan tracks down his daughter’s kidnappers with ridiculous ease. The only comical moment I had to create myself; at one point, as Bryan zeroes in on one of his daughter’s abductors, a speeding bus comes from nowhere & flattens the guy. I pictured Sandra Bullock behind the wheel & since she had to maintain a speed of at least 50 MPH, she couldn’t slow down - It was like my mind was so starved to be entertained, it had to make up its own parody.
What I hated about this film is that it THINKS its ‘clever’ – We’re SUPPOSED to be impressed with how quickly Bryan uncovers his daughters whereabouts, when, in fact, it isn’t clever at all, it’s entirely dumb luck. “How conveeeenient” was it that of the long line of prostitutes Bryan has to pick from, he approaches the one who’s pimp will lead him right to where Amanda is being held? “How conveeeenient” was it that one of the drugged kidnapped victims just happened to have his daughter’s jacket in her room? "How conveeenient" was it that the one out of dozens of kidnappers would say the words "Good luck" to Bryan - the same words he said into Kim's phone? Yes, Bryan set it up by asking them to translate the words written on a piece of paper, but wouldn't the guy who said that into the phone realize the trap & NOT be the one to translate the message?
Later, Bryan is on a boat full of bad guys with automatic weapons & every time the gun Bryan is shooting runs out of ammo, a villain sticks his weapon thru a doorway so Bryan can slam the door on his arm & take his firearm & keep shooting another dozen or so evil sailors. Prior to this, Bryan is speeding the wrong way down a one way street for what seems to be several miles – Bryan is not paying attention to the road as he is looking at the boat he needs to get on as it sails down the river. Miraculously, he doesn’t crash; he doesn’t even scrape a fender as the cars coming directly at him leave just enough room for him to weave between lanes . . .How conveeenient! I was just surprised that they didn't have the 'Super' ex-bodyguard talking on his cell phone as he drove.
Prior to that scene, well-past middle age Bryan runs after a speeding car for several blocks... & keeps up with it! Why was this guy a bodyguard when he could have broken every running record known to mankind if he’d just entered one Olympic Games?
And when you finally get a look at the last bad guy – the big wig that purchases 4 kidnapped girls, costing well over a million dollars, you have to laugh out loud. Of course, the film doesn’t expect you to, but if you’re anything like me, you will find the gayest looking crime boss in film history to be hysterical. I wondered - did he buy these chicks for sex, or to have them ‘do his nails’? Picture a short, fat, nearly bald Emperor Nero-type in a red toga with thick black eyeliner & you’ll begin to understand why this movie sucks on every possible level.
There is one memorable scene which involves the Paris police chief (An old friend of Bryan) & his wife. Although I liked the unorthodox way Bryan gets the chief to cooperate with him, I found the closing line “& be sure to give my apologies to your wife” unnecessary & yes, kind of stupid...
As bad as this dumb film is, I already know it won’t be the worst movie of 2009 – that spot is already reserved for ‘Miss March’. Just from the viewing the trailer I am ready to anoint it #1 on my bottom 10 list of 2009, & the great thing is – I don’t have to watch a second of it! There, see? I found a way to say something good about the #1 movie in America after all – its trailer couldn’t hold a candle to ‘Miss March’ for dumbness!
Take my advice, dear movie goer & stay away from this boffo box office blunder -
Just tell anyone that wants you to go see it with them that YOUR seat is 'Taken'...