ZOOKEEPER

“ZOOKEEPER” (Kevin James & Rosario Dawson)

The first film I remember Kevin James being in was “Hitched” & I gave him a decent grade for what I thought was an above average click flick. Since then, James has partnered up with Adam Sandler & has created some of the most unfunniest comedies in the history of filmdom.
Continuing the cycle of abnormally obese guys matching up with women that would never be caught dead with a lard ball like Kevin James, here he opens by proposing to the preppie-looking-but-nonetheless-way-over-his-head Leslie Bibb & when he later asks co-worker Kate, played by very beautiful Rosario Dawson, to go out with him she eagerly accepts as though she was hoping the plain looking chubby guy would notice her... Filmmakers – when you do sh*t like this it takes all the believability out of your movies!
Stop with the hot chicks falling for fat guys routine, okay? It doesn’t happen in real life unless the lardass in question also happens to be a billionaire. Good looking women don’t fall for run of the mill beer-bellied fat asses just because they’re nice guys. Maybe you beer-bellied fat ass writers are hoping to start a trend by making movies where this happens, but it’s not going to work. I mean, Rosario Dawson & Kevin James as a romantic couple – one, where she seems more attracted to him than he is to her, no less? Hello, reality! & who wants to imagine those two having sex? If he was on top, we’d be worried that his chubby little arms are going to give out & he’ll crush her – or, if she mounts him, she’d never be able to see anything but his hairy naval in her face & I’m pretty sure that would be somewhat of a turn off.

Well, that’s my review of ‘Zookeeper’ – see it at your own risk.

You want to know why I bothered? $3 tickets. It was hot out. I’ve always been a sucker for talking animal movies. One of my favorite trivia questions to ask is – what was the first thing Mr. Ed said to Wilbur Post?
‘Zookeeper’ features a plethora of bad actors as the voices of the zoo animals – perhaps that was another reason why it failed so miserably. Nick Nolte as Bernie the Gorilla did all right but the situations they put him in were so absurd, it was simply too stupid to enjoy. Master thespians Sylvester Stallone, Cher & Adam Sandler voice lions & monkeys who appear to be badly in need of acting lessons. Maya Rudolph voices the Giraffe becoming one of the most annoying talking animals ever created. & they really went for broke in casting James’ nemesis for Leslie Bibb by putting Joe Rogan in the role. Can’t get any more top line than that, can ya?
The most puzzling thing about this film is what was Rosario thinking when she agreed to appear in this obvious flop? She deserves better; the rest of the cast I’m sure felt right at home making this crap...