Tuesday, December 20, 2011


“NEW YEAR’S EVE” (Ashton Kutcher, Katherine Heigl, Michelle Pfeiffer, Sarah Jessica Parker, Hillary Swank, Halle Berry, Robert De Niro, Zac Efron, Jon Bon Jovi, Abigail Breslin, Josh Duhamel, Jessica Biel, Seth Myers, Carla Gugino, Sofia Vergara, Larry Miller, Chris Bridges, Hector Elizondo, Lea Michele, John Lithgow, Sarah Paulson, Til Schweger, Cary Elwes, Alyssa Milano, Common, Peter Vogt, James Belushi, Matthew Broderick, Lisa Simpson, Penny Marshall & Ryan Seacrest)

Look at that star studded cast! How could this not be anything but spectacular?

It’s crap, people. It’s horrible, horrible crap from start to finish – even the good actors stink in this; the main reason being insipid dialogue and moronic plotlines.
Probably the leading candidate for the Worst Movie of 2011, I couldn’t recommend this movie to any age group or sector. The fact that this garbage was even made was embarrassing enough, but the fact that it was #1 at the box office says that the American movie goer is even dumber than polls had originally predicted. I exclude myself because despite the fact that I spent money to see this rubbish, it was one of the those weeks when I relinquished my choice to my wife and this is what she picked.
Looking on the bright side when I see junk like this it makes me appreciate films that only annoy me a little instead of from start to finish. ‘The Muppets’ seems thoroughly entertaining now after viewing ‘New Year’s (Bleeping) Eve’.

The 27 plotlines in a nutshell . . .

Ashton Kutcher does his best acting to date in this... no, I take that back, he was actually pretty good in ‘The Butterfly Effect’ but Jeepers, how long ago was that? Kutcher plays Randy, a laid back guy that doesn’t speak very often, except to his buddy via his cell phone (Yeah, one of THOSE a-holes) Randy gets stuck in an elevator on New Year’s Eve with Elise (Lea Michele) A spunky little Jewish princess who happens to be a back-up singer for Jensen (Jon Bon Jovi, but more on that fiasco of a subplot later) Elise is the complete opposite of Randy (meaning, she’s friendly) but she gets to the point where you want Ed Asner to magically appear in the elevator and tell Elise how much he hates ‘spunk’. The second half of the film, all Kutcher does is stand in a crowd and smile whimsically at Elise as she sings her little heart out for a crowd of drunken New York extras with nothing better to do than to listen to someone they’ve never heard of sing to them on ‘the most romantic night of the year’.
Katherine Heigl (Am I the only one that wishes she’d stop making movies and concentrate on a career selling jewelry on the Shopping Network?) plays Laura; a caterer who gets a big gig on New Year’s Eve thanks to ex-boyfriend Jensen (Superstar ex-teen idol Jon Bon Jovi playing a superstar ex-teen idol)
I don’t know which was worse, watching Heigl ‘act’ as though she hates Jensen or watching Ava (Sofia Vergara) fawn over him with a thick latino accent that even Charo couldn’t understand.
When pop sensation Jensen starts singing his repertoire of hits – they’re all remakes – and trust me, Otis Redding’s bones are rattling over the fact that one of his songs was covered in this train-wreck. You’d think the biggest musical star in the world would play at least one ‘original’ composition – Even something as bland as a Bon Jovi song? The saddest part of this segment is realizing that Jon Bon Jovi can’t even play Jon Bon Jovi convincingly.
Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog was right when he told Jon to stick to playing vampires – that way the role would require him to suck.
Then there’s the ultimate ‘creepy’ segment with Ingrid (Michelle Pfeiffer) and Paul (Zac Efron) All I’m going to reveal is – the one thing you hope they don’t do, they do.
Then there’s mother Kim (Sarah Jessica Parker) loudly worrying about her daughter Hailey (Abigail Breslin) in a high pitched whine that made my dogs start howling out in the parking lot.
We’ve got Robert De Niro playing a dying man whose last wish is to live to see the ball drop one more time. Nurse Aimee (Halle Berry) promises to stay with him to make sure his Make-A-Wish comes true – but leaves him to go talk to her husband (Common) on Skype!
The stupidest of the stupid is a battle between two couples to win $5,000 by having the first baby of the New Year – Biel & Myers are the Byrnes & Schweger & Paulson are the Schwabs. This segment offers up what I consider to be the worse line spoken in any movie (at least of this century) when a gay male nurse (Peter Vogt) tells the two couples, “May the best va-jay-jay win!”
The only glimpse of someone trying to be entertaining came from Larry Miller as Harley, the tow truck driver who made me chuckle twice with lines involving Penn & Teller and watching porn. And that’s one of the chief problems here – the dialogue is so dreadful that the actors don’t even try to sell their lines. Most of them looked like Sarah Palin - just reading what was written on their hands.
The main storyline dealt with Clare (Hillary Swank) the person in charge of making sure the big ball was working properly and would be ready to drop at midnight. According to this film – the big disco ball dropping in Times Square is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING THAT WILL EVER HAPPEN IN THESE UNITED STATES for the entire year.
Until, of course, it is time for the ball to drop again...
When the ball blows a fuse, goes dark and stops during a practice run – they cut to one of the news channels interrupting regular programming for the breaking news that the ball is stuck! This is followed by a Press Conference where angry reporters demand to know what is being done to fix the ball!
I found it amusing that – given how much value was placed by the leaders of New York City that the ball drop come off without a hitch – there was only one person in the entire world that knew how to fix the thing whenever it broke. Hector Elizondo comes to the rescue as a man known only as Kominsky. And how does the invaluable, but recently fired Kominsky repair the ball? By testing the bulbs one at a time to find the one burnt out bulb that shuts the entire thing down... And they say there aren’t any clever plotlines coming out of Hollywood anymore...
I know I’m forgetting at least a dozen other storylines, but I’m tired of writing about this sh*t.

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