2012

“2012” (John Cusack...No need to list any other actors since they are merely fodder for the special effects team to create their ‘magic’ around)

Let’s look at the most recent ‘End of the World’ films; “Knowing”, “Wall-E” & “The Day After Tomorrow”; The only one that presented its apocalyptic world sensibly is the cartoon, “Wall-E”. ‘2012’ is like a conglomerate of these 3 films (Only borrowing from the Wall-E the idea of creating space ships to escape the crumbling earth)

‘2012’ actually starts off making plausible sense; presenting a scenario that very well could happen – it’s a question I asked my father as a child; “What if the sun explodes again?” What makes this film a joke is the way they ‘imagine’ the results of such a catastrophe will affect our planet.
According to this movie, we’ll have 3 years to plan ahead...Yes, folks, sorry to say, the sun has already exploded & the neutrinos are on their way as we live & breathe... but hey, we’ve got 3 years to get our affairs in order.

Director Roland Emmerich uses cracking asphalt the same way John Williams score was used in “Jaws” or a rippling puddle of water in “Jurassic Park” to announce that Mr. Rex was approaching – The difference being the music & the ‘impact’ ripples made you anticipate the arrival of something monstrous; the cracking sidewalks made me think, “Oh crap, what’s going to fall over & barely miss killing John Cusack THIS time!”
As with Nicolas Cage’s character in “Knowing”, John Cusack’s Jackson Curtis is the central focus used for viewing the end of the world, thus making it implausible that ALL of these near-catastrophic fates could happen to one person.
By the way, if you expect to learn anything about the Mayan calendar & why they predicted 2012 to be the final year of mankind, you won’t.
Jackson Curtis is a struggling writer, divorced with a young daughter who likes spending time with him & a son who doesn’t. Jackson takes his kids camping in Yellowstone & meets an eccentric goofball named Charlie (Woody Harrelson, clearly the best part of this movie) Through Charlie, Jackson learns why the asphalt is cracking & he rushes to get his ex-wife (Amanda Peet) & her new husband & lead them to safety... Hmm, if the whole planet is ‘caving in’, where does one take ones family to be ‘safe’? Aha! We’ll charter a plane & fly to safety! The scenes of Scott (the 2nd husband) flying the plane between buildings as they collapse into one another is supposed to be exhilarating, instead they are laughable since Scott admits before they climb on board that he’s only had a couple of lessons.
It’s the absurdity of it all that ruins this movie – I could have enjoyed the special effects roller coaster ride if they had just put it in a more logical setting – “Scott flew jet fighters in Iraq, he can get us to safety!” but no, they have Scott sitting in the cockpit looking for the emergency brake release as the runway collapses behind them... Stupid.
& how many times can one dysfunctional family barely escape death? According to
‘2012’, the answer is infinite.

Although they don’t matter, let’s delve into the acting anyway; Cusack does ‘okay’ – he’s forced to say some pretty dumb lines at times, but I didn’t hate Jackson Curtis. Woody is the best by far – Was anyone else hoping that the pick up truck they see in the Himalayas was going to have Charlie behind the wheel? (“Yeah, dude! I was wearin’ a parachute & the volcano blew me clear over here!”)
The ‘other’ characters centered on Danny Glover as President Barrack O’Dogma; his daughter, Laura (Thandie Newton) & his not-to-be-trusted aide Carl (Oliver Platt)
Chiwetel Ejiofor plays Adrian Helmsly the ‘American’ who discovers what has happened to the sun by placing a phone call to India (Which was one of the few aspects of the film that made sense) & is given the job of predicting what the outcome of the explosion will have on the earth. Even though Adrian’s predictions are all incorrect, he somehow keeps his job. I’m wondering, did anyone think the same thing that I did – that this film was made by Republicans to ‘warn’ white America what can happen when you put black men in charge? I felt insulted by the film for making that thought cross my mind.
The religious finale added to the laughter, though they tried to cloak it in seriousness by having the Chinese build the ‘space ships’ that would save the most important members of mankind (i.e. the filthy rich)

‘2012’ follows a path from the ridiculous to the sublime, as it takes longer for the ‘space ships’ to open & close their pod bay doors than it did for California to fall into the Pacific. & speaking of the pod bay doors, sorry if this spoils the ‘plot’ for those who haven’t seen the film yet, but it seemed to me that the gears that get jammed should have had 2 obstacles that needed to be removed. I think it would have been gnarly to have Jackson reach down & pull what was left of the ‘other’ item that got stuck in the gears.

Just a word to Danny Glover, if this is the best acting you can do then the line you repeated so often in the Lethal Weapon movies has come to light – You ARE too old for this sh*t.
Another disappointment was the exclusion of the obvious song that should have been played every time there was an asphalt cracking scene – “It’s The End Of The World As We Know It” (And I’m So Bored...)