COUPLES RETREAT

“COUPLES RETREAT” (Vince Vaughn, Jason Bateman, Jon Favreau, Kristen Bell, Malin Ackerman, Kristin Davis, Faizon Love & Jean Reno)

The first thing I wrote down in my notebook while watching this film was the word
‘Ass-tastic’; I don’t remember what it means, only that it was stupid. That’s how memorable ‘Couples Retreat’ was – as soon as it was over, I couldn’t erase it from my mind fast enough.
This film starts off bad and only gets worse – Vince Vaughn’s son opens the movie with a ‘pee’ joke (Only funny if you’re a parent, I would assume) and 2 minutes later the same child is involved in a second pee joke - like we didn’t get how hilariously funny it was the first time. I’m not a parent, so a kid peeing in a public place didn’t strike me the least bit funny – I only got annoyed at Vaughn’s poor parenting skills.
The movie then introduces you to Vaughn’s three ‘buddies’ who are just about the worst friends you could possibly imagine; his token fat black loser friend (Faizon Love) calls him & begs him to co-sign for the motorcycle he wants to buy for his 20 year old girlfriend.
Another needy friend, Jason Bateman makes a major imposition upon Vince & the other two couples in order to concoct the premise of this disaster flick & the only thing I remember about Jon Favreau’s introduction is that his character is simply an unlikable arrogant jerk
All 4 male leads have way over-chicked; none of these guys are rich, none of them have sparkling personalities that draw you to them, & most importantly, none of them are FUNNY. 2 of the men have bigger boobs than their mates; 3 of them are cradle robbers, hooking up with ‘girls’ that would normally be cast as their daughters.
There is nothing here that feels ‘real’ – it is just one contrived scene after another; one of those ‘pamphlet’ screenplays where Vince & Jon probably wrote; “couples are visited by a therapist; think of something funny to say.”
The plot is as vacant as the humor; Bateman & Bell don’t let their friends know they’re having marital difficulties until they show them a video about Eden (The retreat) They then inform their friends that they can’t afford to go unless they get 3 other couples to join them for a group rate and that they must decide within 24 hours. Even if my very best friends in the world were to throw something like that at me, I’d not only say no, I’d probably stop taking any phone calls from them... but then again, my friends WOULDN’T do something like that – no TRUE friend would.
Then we get to see these bestest buddies interact with one another & that isn’t a lot of fun either. The token fat black loser, who couldn’t afford a motorcycle suddenly has enough cash to go on this tremendously expensive ‘vacation’? He weighs well over 300 lbs., but yet this cash-flow impaired walking blimp was able to attract a fairly cute twenty year old bimbo to sleep with him?
As soon as they get off the boat, Favreau’s character starts hitting on cute single chicks young enough to be his daughter, & since Jon was one of the scriptwriters, these knock-outs aren’t repulsed by his enormously flabby manboobs - they actually flirt back with him!
The only thing I’ll probably remember about ‘Couples’ Retreat’ is Malin Ackerman’s red hair. Why? The first film I saw her in (Watchmen) she wore a jet black wig and in the second, she was blonde. Although Malin was clearly the most attractive member of the cast, changing the color of her hair hasn’t improved her acting skills. I guess dying her hair is her only way to show she has versatility.

The audience (& my darling wife) seemed to enjoy the scene with the yoga instructor, but by the time this scene appears, I hated these people so much, even that set-up seemed moronic; Oo, look, Fabio is tea-bagging Jason Batemen, isn’t that a hoot! If any of the previous scenes leading up to the tea-bagging yoga instructor had been humorous, I may have gotten a chuckle out of it – but I didn’t like these people or this story – it was like being at a party where everyone just sat around & bitched about the other guests.

You may have noticed that I didn’t bother to write down, or look up the characters names; when I do that, it means the film stunk... excessively.