VICKY CRISTINA BARCELONA

“VICKY CRISTINA BARCELONA” (Scarlett Johansson, Javier Bardem, Rebecca Hall, Penelope Cruz & Patricia Clarkson)
I scribbled several nearly indecipherable notes in the dark while watching this film... None of them were positive. However, the one positive thing I have to say about this movie didn’t require a reminder – Javier Bardem is a damn good actor. I don’t see the ‘heart-throb’ good looks that others claim he possesses (& my only complaint is that he looks so stoned in a few scenes he can barely keep his eyes open) but the man becomes his character with what appears to be relative ‘ease’. As artist Juan Antonio, he elevates himself above his fellow actors; in one scene involving Scarlett Johansson’s Cristina & his hot-headed ex-wife, Maria Elena he gets so frustrated while trying to tell Maria to speak in English, he starts rambling in Spanish while doing so. Then he screws up a line, as most distraught people would do, following the argument – whether that was done on purpose or writer/director Woody Allen was just smart enough to leave it in – it’s little things like that which help to make a character believable. Penelope Cruz plays Maria Elena & goes a little over-the-top with her semi-deranged character, but she's improving as an actress, there's no doubt about that.
Okay, that’s the only nice thing I have to say about ‘VCB’.
First the plot, then I’ll decipher my scribbles / Plain looking Vicky (Rebecca Hall) & gorgeous Cristina are best friends. Vicky is about to be married & Cristina can’t seem to hold a job or a boyfriend. Not meaning to sound like Homer Simpson describing his screenplay idea – but the gals decide to spend the summer in Spain ‘for some reason’... Sorry, I forgot! By the end of the film I was so bored with these people, I was just happy to see the screen go dark. They are approached by Juan Antonio, a man they know of but have never met; he invites them to spend the weekend with him. Along with seeing the sights, Juan also offers to share his bed for the purpose of making love. Vicky rebukes the offer, while horny Cristina agrees to go. Vicky then decides to tag along since she seems to be the only one concerned with Cristina’s safety.
Eventually Cristina moves in with Juan. When Juan’s ex-wife with the flame-thrower temper shows up threatening to commit suicide, Juan invites her to stay with them. Apparently they don’t have ‘men in white coats’ to come & take such disturbed people away in Barcelona. In the end everybody has had sex with everyone & they live miserably ever after...
The MOST annoying ingredient is the ‘Narrator’ (The pathetically weak voice of Christopher Evan Welch) Though not sounding totally gay, this was far from the ‘manly’ voice one expects from a narrator – nor was it the voice of one of the characters, so you have no way to relate to this wimp. This was just an average speaking voice spouting off insipid lines like, “It was a sunny day in Barcelona when Juan & Vicky met for lunch.”
Most of his unwelcomed 'storytelling' involved lines even more mundane than the one above.
Words did not flow easily from this man’s lips either, he seemed to struggle to make sure he annunciated properly – I mean, if you’re going to use an off screen narrator, for goodness sake hire Morgan Freeman!
There was a scene where Vicky received a phone call from her fiancé (from the U.S.) in which she speaks to him for :15 and hangs up... How is that believable? They haven’t seen one another for days & she says 2 lines to him & hangs up?
To find an actor to play the fiancé, Woody must have placed an order for a ‘dull, cookie cutter geeky nerd’ & they sent this guy over from Central Casting! (I could look up his name, but why bother?)
Your lead characters are a shallow, self-centered male and two shallow, self-centered, gullible females. And like ‘Elegy’ the moral of the story is – EVERYBODY cheats on their spouses, fiancés & loved ones. I’m sure those that enjoyed ‘Elegy’ will think this tripe is entertaining as well, but I’m sorry, I need someone to root for in a film – when every single character is a low-life piece of dung, I lose interest – I DON’T CARE what happens to them! The main concern here is - should Vicky tell Juan she’s in love with him even though he’s boinking her best friend & ex-wife simultaneously?
Once again, Patricia Clarkson has a minor role and does a nice job with it, but her character (once again) becomes semi-ridiculous as a woman cheating on her ‘good guy’ husband & feels remorseful for doing so, but then encourages Vicky to make a play for Juan Antonio... Dumb, dumb, dumb.
At one point in the film, after the fiancé shows up in Barcelona to be with Vicky, he tells her Juan & his friends are ‘Pretentious, boring and cliché’ . . . I couldn’t find three better words to describe your film, Woody – thanks for helping me write this review!