"The OTHER BOLEYN GIRL"

“The OTHER BOLEYN GIRL” (Natalie Portman, Scarlett Johansson & Eric Bana)

I’m not much for period pieces so to get me interested in one you have to have an intriguing story... This isn’t. If it is a semi-accurate depiction of the times, I’d seriously have to question England’s reluctance to over-throw the monarchy – these people are sick and disgusting. The fact that a ‘queen’ can be imprisoned because she was unable to give birth to a male & her replacement beheaded for the same crime is barbaric. But instead of public outcries from the townspeople as to why these injustices are taking place, they gather round the square to cheer on the horrific punishments.
This story focuses on sisters Anne & Mary Boleyn(Portman & Johansson) Mary is already married, so when news is spread that King Henry VIII (Eric Bana) is looking for a new wench to bed, since the queen can’t produce a ‘proper’ heir to the throne, Mr. & Mrs. Boleyn offer up daughter Anne. However the king is smitten by the more demur Mary & offers her & her husband positions in the king’s court.
Since no one is allowed to disobey the king, when he sends word to Mary that he plans to ‘nail’ her that night, she dresses appropriately & awaits his mounting... The king acts as if it is of the utmost importance that Mary gives birth to a boy, but when she does, for some reason it doesn’t count because he’s a bastard... Huh? Then why did the king care in the first place?
Don’t ask me why any of this took place, & why it mattered, or didn’t matter – I don’t have a clue. This film makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. The rest of it centers on Anne’s second shot at seducing the king & how she wraps the most powerful man in Europe around her little finger & forces him to make her his queen.
So Henry is depicted as a cold, heartless dictator who only sees women as a vessel to deliver England’s future king, yet when some insolent little tart starts playing games with his affections, he turns into a major wimp, forsaking his duties as king to get into Anne’s bloomers. & Anne, in turn, goes from being brash & coquettish into a miserable, panic-stricken whining ball of mush when she fails to deliver the ‘holy’ male child.
Not a lot to like here; especially from ‘Daddy’ Thomas Boleyn, who pimps his daughters out like they were common whores (Which, in all honesty, they are)
How much of this is ‘story’ & how much is factual, I do not know. I have never had a lot of interest in the Royal Family – but it’s amazing to think that these so-called well-bred English ever evolved into a ‘normal’ society with trash like Henry Tudor in their past.
Acting-wise, I liked Eric Bana in “Troy”, but here, he just doesn’t seem to fit the role. Natalie’s portrayal of Anne is believable until she makes that sudden faux-Soap-Opera-dramatic turn at the end. & Scarlett, a very beautiful woman that I’ve always enjoyed gazing upon, has the acting skills of a bar of soap. Having said that, she isn’t awful in this since her role doesn’t require her to stretch too much...
Just the whole idea of the Boleyn girls being sent out like prostitutes by their own parents & uncle was disgusting, & the fact that the women did as told with very little protests didn’t speak well of their character either. When the film takes a stomach churning turn near the end, it doesn't shock you all that much, given the type of characters that have been introduced.
In fact, the only part of the movie I liked was when Henry’s first wife, Catherine, pauses in front of the Boleyn sisters, curtsies & addresses them as ‘The whores’...

"IRON MAN" / "MADE OF HONOR"

“IRON MAN” (Robert Downey, Jr., Gwenyth Paltrow, Jeff Bridges & Terrence Howard) / “MADE OF HONOR” (Patrick Dempsey & Michelle Monaghan)

This was a trade-off weekend – my wife went to ‘Iron Man’ for me & I went to ‘Made Of Honor’ for her. The reason I’m lumping them together is we both liked both movies. ‘Iron Man’ isn’t your typical ‘Comic Book Superhero Extravaganza’ & ‘Made Of Honor’, though definitely ‘chick flicky’, was a cut above the normal dumb romantic comedy. So if you’re looking for a good something for him/something for her combo with your date, I’d recommend this duo; she’ll be surprised how good Iron Man is & he’ll be shocked that Made Of Honor doesn’t totally suck.
That said – here’s my “IRON MAN” review...
Let me begin by telling you I DON’T LIKE COMIC BOOK SUPERHERO MOVIES; I loathed the first ‘Spiderman’ & was very upset with Roger Ebert for singing the praises of ‘Spiderman 2’ & tricking me into spending money to sit thru that piece of trash. I liked the new Christian Bale ‘Batman Begins’, but didn’t like any of the Michael Keaton, (etc.) Batman movies. The only Superman movie worth a darn was ‘#2’ with Christopher Reeves. I felt it necessary for you to know my background on the genre so when I tell you I loved ‘Iron Man’, you’ll realize this isn’t coming from a comic book geek. I don’t know if I ever read an Iron Man comic! My only reason for wanting to see this film version was Robert Downey, Jr. in the starring role & of course, the obvious cameo by Ozzy. Let’s get the bad news out of the way first; Ozzy Osbourne does not make an appearance in the film. The good news – Robert Downey, Jr. steals it, so it’s not that much of a disappointment.
This is a character driven story that doesn’t involve anything all that far-fetched (No radioactive spiders or beings from other planets) Tony Stark(Downey) is an arms creator/ manufacturer. He runs Stark Industries with his late father’s partner, Obadiah (Jeff Bridges, barely recognizable with a shaved head & bushy grey beard)
After conducting a demonstration of his latest ‘weapon of mass destruction’ in Afghanistan, Tony is kidnapped by terrorists who want him to build them one. With the aid of another prisoner(Who saved Tony’s life) Stark ‘pretends’ to build the bomb while actually constructing a suit of armor that would protect him as he just walked out of captivity. (Rocket boosters would help propel him to a safe distance as well)
If there’s a downside to this movie, it’s that a little too much time is spent with ‘technical’ scenes showing how the plans were conceived & the suit is built. But if they edited the scenes, I’d probably complain that they ‘made it look too easy to build’ – They must have reached a happy medium because I loved this film! On the other hand – the ‘test drive’ scenes where Tony 'irons' out the kinks in his new gadget are among the most enjoyable; his 'relationship' with his robotic aides provide many genuinely funny moments. Yes, this film has it all – the terrorist aspect makes it scary; Tony’s redemption gives it heart & makes you ultimately cheer for the ‘war monger’; Gwenyth Paltrow (as Stark’s assistant Pepper Potts) provides sweetness & a ‘spark’ of romantic chemistry; & Jeff Bridges plays his role as sly as Howard Cosell – right from the moment you meet him, there’s just something about him you don’t like. Terrence Howard, who has been on a role lately, plays Tony’s best friend Jim Rhodes & even though he isn’t given one of the ‘juicy’ roles, he adds to the believability of the entire story by being an average, ‘centered’ character.
But this is totally Robert Downey, Jr.’s baby – If, like me, you’re a fan & was concerned over his choice to take on a ‘Superhero’ role – don’t be. He’s Robert Downey, Jr. playing a fast talking womanizing weapons genius & pulling it off as only he can. Iron Man isn’t a ‘super’ hero – he’s a guy in a ‘suit of armor’ that allows him to do ‘superhero’ tasks. This is an actual ‘story’, well acted, with excellent character development. & for those who are jones-ing for the ‘rock ‘em, smash ‘em superhero special effects scenes, well, it’s got that as well, just not on a continual loop.
Go see ‘Iron Man’ even if you don’t like ‘Comic Book’ movies – I believe you will be pleasantly surprised. I don’t mean to sound snobbish (Cause I hate those kind of critics) but this is the ‘Superhero’ movie for those of us who don’t normally care for ‘dumbed-down’ Superhero movies. You know the kind – where plot doesn’t matter, it is only used to set up the next spectacular special effects scene.
Oh, & a warning for you non-Comic Book Superhero Movie fans that go to this – If they tell you ahead of time to stay seated thru the credits for a ‘special’ surprise – don’t bother; it is just a :15 promo for another Comic Book Superhero Movie starring Samuel L. Jackson... I was hoping it would be the ‘deleted’ scene with Ozzy!

“MADE OF HONOR” isn’t as bad as the trailer makes it out to be; the preview is aimed at the ladies & the actual movie isn’t that silly or sappy. It has its silly & sappy moments, but it is ‘watchable’. Patrick Dempsey plays womanizer Tom; his best friend is Hannah (Michelle Monaghan) they met when he mistakenly climbed into bed with her in her college dormitory. There’s no real character development as they just jump to ’10 Years Later’ & we see Tom bringing ‘buddy’ Hannah some coffee (with the phone number of a woman he just met written on her cup)
As I sat thru the early scenes, checking my watch (counting down the minutes until I could escape) I was feeling correct in my assumption that this would be a long, agonizing process. But somewhere along the road, it stopped being ‘ridiculously stupid’ & started having some realistic scenes with honest emotion involved as Tom realizes he’s in love with Hannah – after being without her company for 6 weeks when she is sent to Scotland by the museum she works for. Tom’s male buddies provide some humorous moments & I have to say that even though Michelle Monaghan isn’t a ‘wondrous’ beauty by any means, she looks pretty hot prancing around in the lingerie scene.
I might say the movie gets off track by making the Scottish hunk that Hannah falls in love with too nice of a guy; the formula should be that Tom is such a better person than Colin (Kevin McKidd) that we want him to get the better of Hannah’s fiancé & win her away – but Colin is perfect in every way – a nice guy; filthy rich; good looking, & apparently very well endowed (But fortunately I finally got a movie that didn’t show us proof of such! WHEW!) Yes, my initial reaction was that’s a mistake – Colin should be flawed in some way (& I guess the fact that he likes to hunt & kill defenseless animals is one flaw) but it apparently is what Scottish men do to prove their manliness since they run around in skirts a lot of the time!
I don’t know, maybe I was on a high after seeing ‘Iron Man’, but by the time they got to the typical & predictable sappy ending, I’d stopped looking at my watch long ago...

"BABY MAMA"

“BABY MAMA” (Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Greg Kinnear & Steve Martin)

During the early stages of this movie, I was reminded of last year’s “Knocked Up” (Which I didn’t care for) Never having been a parent, I guess I just can’t relate to stories about people that WANT to have children (That’s not how it was in my day – I was an accident & my parents made sure that I knew it!) But somewhere along the road, “Baby Mama” gradually won me over and just when I thought all the best scenes had taken place – the normally mundane & predictable ‘rushing to the hospital to give birth’ sequence turned out to be laugh out loud hysterical – I really couldn’t tell you everything Amy Poehler said as she was being wheeled into the delivery room, I was laughing too hard.
The plot; Unmarried, successful business woman Kate Holbrook (Tina Fey) wants to be a mommy but is told by her OB-GYN that her chances of getting pregnant are a million-to-one – due to her ‘T shaped’ uterus. Kate decides to hire a surrogate mother.
Sigourney Weaver, surprisingly enough, provides the first funny lines as the person who brings Angie (Amy Poehler) into Kate’s life as her vessel for ‘outsourcing’ the birth of her child.
Pretty, but ‘trailer-trashy’ Angie eventually moves into Kate’s apartment after leaving her ‘common law’ husband. At first, Kate is thrilled with the situation because now she can keep an eye on how Angie treats the body that is carrying her much longed for child. The movie then becomes a female version of the Odd Couple, with mildly amusing results.
What makes this film flow gracefully are the many fun & flawlessly performed supporting roles; Steve Martin as Kate’s ‘guru-ish’ boss is a subtle yet offbeat character that I was surprised to see since he wasn’t shown in the trailer; nor was Greg Kinnear as a small business owner/potential love interest for Kate. Romany Malco (from TV’s “Weeds” & “The 40 Year Old Virgin”) plays Kate’s doorman/buddy who discovers there’s more to Angie than meets the eye; or, actually that there’s ‘less’ of Angie than there should be.
Despite all the infant adoration going on, these characters didn’t annoy me as much as I feared they might. Even Angie’s greedy, ne’er-do-well ‘husband’(Dax Shepard) somehow becomes acceptable because the bottom line is – he is simply unable to rise above his low-rent upbringing, while Angie at least attempts to become a better person.
Once the ‘set-up’ is out of the way, “Baby Mama” is a consistently funny, & yes, heart warming film. With the exception of a useless segment where Kate & Angie go to a nightclub, there really isn’t a wasted scene, so I would recommend this to anyone looking for an enjoyable 90 minutes of light-hearted entertainment.

"PENELOPE"

“PENELOPE” (Christina Ricci, James McAvoy, Catherine O’Hara, Reese Witherspoon & Peter Dinklage)

This is one of those films I find it hard to say anything bad about & yet wouldn’t necessarily recommend all that highly. It is a cute little fairy-tale with only one distracting acting performance (O’Hara) otherwise, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with this movie – it isn’t as good as “Enchanted”; & perhaps that may be the sole reason it didn’t ‘bowl me over’ – it just isn’t as good as “Enchanted”.
A witch puts a curse on the Weathershead family that every female offspring shall be born with a ‘defect’. For generations the family bears male children & when the first female finally comes, she isn’t cursed because her mother cheated on her husband, so the child wasn’t a true Weathershead. Catherine O’Hara is the lucky mother who gives birth to ‘Penelope’(Ricci) who emerges from the womb with a pig’s snout & big floppy pig-like ears. The ears are easily covered by hair, but the snout is another problem. Rhinoplasty is made impossible by the curse. Catherine & her husband decide to fake Penelope’s death & have her ‘body’ cremated. Penelope is then raised secretly in the Weathershead’s attic – never allowed outdoors. When she reaches marrying age, suitors are invited to meet Penelope, as the curse can only be lifted by a marriage to a ‘blue blooded’ Englishman. They all leap thru a 2nd story window in horror at the sight of Christina Ricci with a pig’s nose. . . I’m sorry, but I think Christina has always been under-rated as a ‘looker’ – I actually found the snout somewhat endearing; I not only would not have run away from her, I would have tried to make out with her, if that’s what she wanted. Watching dweeb after dweeb screaming in fright after seeing a girl with Christina’s eyes & figure was more than a little ‘over the top’.
Only Dak McCrimmon (McAvoy) remained from the latest batch of suitors since he was lying on the floor behind the couch when Penelope made her startling entrance. They begin conversing thru a 2-way mirror – all goes well until Dak is startled when he finally sees the ‘pig-nosed’ girl. Fed up, Penelope escapes her parent’s mansion.
Pretending to be recovering from a botched nose job, she befriends Cassie (Weatherspoon) When she is finally revealed, Penelope has developed enough social skills to charm the hordes of press & photographers – she becomes a media darling.
A marriage is ‘arranged’ to one of her former suitors – to save face for his family.
Will this lift the curse? If so, will Penelope be happy with a normal nose that makes her less of a celebrity? & what about Dak, who realizes he ‘blew’ his one chance at love?
Well, it IS a fairy-tale so you know a happy ending is coming, but perhaps not the one you expected.
My only complaint is minor, but in a story set in England, the five main characters all use ‘American’ accents (Even James McAvoy!) while all of the extras speak proper King’s English. But hey, in fairy-tale land, who’s to say that Americans can’t dominate a story set in the U.K.?
Peter Dinklage once again turns in a picture perfect performance as a reporter obsessed with revealing the truth about the existence of the ‘pig girl’. Even when he gets the last scene in the movie (without saying a word) he portrays what his character’s thoughts are so expertly that you don’t have to guess at what he’s thinking as he rows his little boat off the screen. A nice little film, see it when you have a chance – you won’t feel as though you’ve wasted any precious time out of your life for having viewed it.

FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL

“FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL” (Jason Segel, Kristen Bell, Mila Kunis & Russell Brand)

I was not impressed by the trailer to this, but critics started raving how funny it was and the preview didn’t do it justice – so I went... All I can gather is – the critics I read & heard are easily amused.
“In Bruges”, a ‘dark’ comedy, had 3 times the laughs of “Forgetting Sarah Marshall”.
That’s not to say that “Forgetting S.M.” isn’t a pleasant little romantic flick, it is... well, once you recover from all the gratuitous shots of male genitalia being shoved in your face. I’m guessing Judd Apatow asked his regular gang of idiots, “Which of you has the longest schlong?” & that’s how Jason Segel won the part – it definitely wasn’t for his acting abilities.
The premise is in the title; Peter (Segel) writes the music score for girlfriend Sarah Marshall’s (Kristen Bell) TV series / she dumps him after he emerges from the shower, thus leading to the first of many full frontal shots of Peter’s peter. Again, I’ll reference a much funnier film – “Walk Hard:The Dewey Cox Story” featured full frontal male nudity that worked for comedic effect – Here, there is nothing funny about the scene whether Segel’s willy is shown or not; a quick naked buttocks shot would have sufficed – ‘Okay, we know she’s breaking up with him while he’s naked, tee-hee, let’s move on.’
To get over Sarah, Peter goes to Hawaii where he discovers Sarah with new boyfriend, ‘pop star’ Aldous Snow (Russell Brand) A series of ‘situations’ ensue with minor moments of ‘comedy’... So, yes, this is a ‘sitcom’ with FFMN (Full frontal male nudity)
Almost as though the writers said, “We know the dialogue isn’t funny, but if we keep showing the dumped guy’s wang, they’ll be rolling in the aisles.”
I even found the numerous scenes of Segel walking around shirtless to be disturbing because of his ‘puffy’ nipples... guys with puffy nipples should keep their shirts ON.

I was hoping Apatow regular Paul Rudd would provide some laughs in a minor role, but nope, didn’t happen. & Apatow regular ‘the chubby kid from “Superbad”', was just pathetic to watch (& not in a humorous way)
However, the reason I call this a ‘pleasant’ flick is Mila Kunis as Rachel, a hotel employee who at first takes pity on the heartbroken Peter and gradually falls for the crybaby whiner. Yet, at the same time she doesn’t fit her role because she’s much too striking (gorgeous eyes) – she makes Bell’s TV starlet look ‘below average’ by comparison. I don’t know what she’s done since ‘That 70’s Show’, but Mila is a major hottie with a very bright future in feature films.
Just for the record, my wife agreed – it wasn’t a very funny movie & ‘1 or 2’ penile shots would have sufficed. Her quote, “I guess he must be really proud of that thing.”
My final comment – I’m sure I’m not alone in saying movies with more male nudity than female are not what the public wants to see; & what’s even worse is when you have the opportunity to show attractive females having sex and then shoot the scenes so nothing that we want to see gets shown! So I’d recommend “Forgetting Sarah Marshall” to all my gay pals & to my hetero buddies – avert your eyes during the break up scene... You’ve been warned!

SMART PEOPLE

“SMART PEOPLE” (Dennis Quaid, Sarah Jessica Parker, Thomas Haden Church & Ellen Page)

I could see how some people might find this film somewhat ‘dreary’ – The characters are all flawed (despite their obvious intelligence) and they do tend to plod thru their lives and at times you wonder – why am I watching these miserable, un-likeable people? But the main reason I enjoyed it is that because of their flaws, they are more realistic than a lot of characters you find in movies these days. It is un-orthodox in that the characters don’t seem to have a clue as to what they want out of life. I’m kind of in that boat myself right now, so I could relate.
Dennis Quaid plays professor Lawrence Wehterhold, a widower who has clearly given up on ever being happy again (and just for good measure, he wants everyone around him to be as miserable as he is)
The fact that Sarah Jessica Parker’s character, Dr. Janet Hartigan doesn’t put up with Prof. Wetherhold’s pompous, egotistical behavior during their first date, but then decides to give him a second chance – is just like the kind of silly things women do, isn’t it? Then, when she has sex with him on date #2, she immediately regrets it and makes up an excuse to get him out of her bed. These are the things men and women do to one another, even to the ones they like... and then later feel guilty.
Ellen Page plays Wetherhold’s daughter Vanessa with the exact same delivery as she used in ‘Juno’. Although this makes me question her acting range, I found her character here to be more believable because Vanessa strives to get good grades and so her intellectual quips are more befitting than that of disinterested student Juno.
Once again Page’s character has an un-nerving relationship with an older man – this time with her ‘Uncle’ Chuck (Thomas Haden Church) Chuck is the most ‘normal’ character among the group, being the only non-intellectual; he is, however, a classic deadbeat.
I didn’t like the tacked-on ‘happy’ ending, but most of that is taken up with ‘cheery’ photos shown with the closing credits. But I liked “Smart People” simply because the characters were constantly changing their minds about what they wanted out of life. Some might say that makes them annoying and not worthy of filming – it is difficult to figure these people out – but to me, that is what made them seem ‘real’.

NIM'S ISLAND

“NIM’S ISLAND” (Abigail Breslin, Jodie Foster & Gerard Butler)

This film is much more childish and silly than I anticipated – which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but I’m just warning you if you think the appearance of Jodie Foster in the cast is going to make it more ‘adult’... she doesn’t.
‘Nim’s Island’ is aimed at the pre-teen female audience and I think as long as you understand that going in, you can enjoy this cute little tale and might even get a kick out of watching Jodie ‘hamming’ it up as an agoraphobic novelist named Alex Rover.
Abigail Breslin plays Nim, who lives on a deserted island with her scientist father (Gerard Butler) When dad disappears during a storm, Nim turns to her favorite author –
Alex Rover; except she thinks Alex is a cavalier, swashbuckling young male stud adventurer who tells true tales of his escapades.
So ‘Alexandra’ Rover conquers her fears and races to rescue her young fan. Accompanying her is the imaginary hero of her books, ‘Alex’ (also played by Butler)

But then the film turns ‘Disney’ and becomes a silly ‘Home Alone’-like romp in the jungle, as Nim ‘fights off’ pirates that invade her island. The only problem is – they aren’t pirates, they’re a ‘cruise ship’ that comes ashore with a large contingent of vacationers, who couldn’t be mistaken for pirates by anyone with a working set of eyes!
And of course, the most intelligent creatures on the island are Nim’s animal friends; a lizard, a seal & a Mensa member pelican. Meanwhile Alexandra is going thru all kinds of ‘heck’ to rescue a little girl who is too dumb to realize she’s already been rescued! (by the cruise ship)

Leave common sense at home and you just might enjoy this little ‘fluff’ piece. The interaction between Nim & her ‘pets’ is adorable, just REALLY far-fetched.