HALL PASS

“HALL PASS” (Owen Wilson, Jason Sudeikis, Jenna Fischer & Christina Applegate)

The four above mentioned actors are the two couples involved in this film, but ‘Hall Pass’ will forever be known as the film that gave us the absolutely gorgeous Nicky Whelan. . . Wow, what a strikingly beautiful woman - & the Australian accent just makes her even hotter.
Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, the stupid movie. & I’m not knocking it by calling it ‘stupid’. It’s the return of the Farrelly brothers – they excel at stupid - & this one is stupidly funny. Perhaps I was just in the mood to laugh after watching all those serious Oscar contenders (Some of which were just flat out awful) but I chuckled frequently at ‘Hall Pass’ despite realizing, ‘boy, was that dumb!’
One particular scene involved a drunken Latino girl who kept saying she wasn’t going to throw up. I’m sorry, but the sight gag made me laugh loudly. & yes, it was disgusting; disgusting & stupid – Farrelly brothers trademarks - though they haven’t made a good film since ‘Me, Myself & Irene’ in 2000.
Owen Wilson plays Rick – married to Maggie (Jenna Fischer)
Rick’s best friend is Fred (Jason Sudeikis) who is married to Grace (Christina Applegate)
After Maggie calls out Rick for openly ogling a passing girl in tight jeans, she tells Grace, who relates that she knows all about her stupid husband’s ‘trick’ of looking at where the girl will be instead of directly at her. Their friend Joy Beher tells them to give their husbands a ‘hall pass’ – a week off from marriage because every husband ‘thinks’ he could get a lot of tail if only he weren’t married.
So give them permission to be single for a week & they’ll learn how lucky they are that their wives put up with them – because every other woman – especially the hotties they ogle, don’t want to have anything to do with jerks like them.

Rick & Fred, using two of their buddies as an audience & inspiration, decide to start off hitting on chicks at Applebys. . . Then they decide to upgrade to Chilis.
While the ‘boys’ are striking out without ever swinging their bats, their wives are off on vacation meeting guys who know how to hit on ‘chicks’ married, or not. The women come to the conclusion that their husbands’ hall passes work both ways & don’t discourage their suitors.

Now, I’ve always thought Owen Wilson went into comedy because no one would take him seriously as a leading man with that unsightly, disfigured nose of his. So when he meets the extremely attractive barista Leigh (Nicky Whelan) at ‘Drips’, his jaw drops & he’s speechless. Leigh is very sexy & coquettish – but Rick just thinks, she’s like that with ALL her customers. The fact that drop dead gorgeous Leigh would find a man with Owen Wilson's nose attractive is a joke in itself, but I digress - at least he isn't as homely as a Seth Rogen or Adam Sandler, right? It's almost plausible that one of the cutest girls on the planet would show a little interst in him...

When Rick & Fred hear that their chick magnet buddy Coakley is back in town, they salivate at the opportunity to learn from the master – or at least pick up his leftovers.
The joke with Coakley’s arrival is that it’s elderly actor Richard Jenkins - & he’s very funny in the role.
My least favorite sight ‘gag’ – the schlong – is used rather graphically & although the scene had humorous intent – I don’t need to see a $5 foot long flopping around onscreen. Call me homophobic, I just don’t like to look at guys’ junk. It worked in “Walk Hard”, but that’s the only time I found male nudity to be funny.

I don’t even remember the last time I used my ‘laugh-o-meter’ but ‘Hall Pass’ scored a respectable 44 – with many of those hard, out loud laughs. Is it possible that the next time I view this film I won’t find it nearly as humorous – sure – but for right now, I have to be honest & say it made me laugh frequently even though the humor was definitely of the ‘low brow’ quality. It’s no ‘Hangover’ by any means, but it’s probably the funniest movie I’ve seen since that already classic comedy. & if nothing else, holey moley, guys, Nicky Whelan is worth the price of admission alone – I’m talking mega-adorable & like a good sport, she takes her top off. If she hadn’t, do you think I’d be praising this stupid movie as much as I have???

BARNEY'S VERSION

“BARNEY’S VERSION” (Paul Giamatti & Dustin Hoffman)

At first, I thought this was going to be a dark comedy/murder mystery (due to the title) after Barney Panofsky (Paul Giamatti) is confronted by a homicide detective in a bar who tells him he’s a murderer and when the body is found it will prove his guilt. But this isn’t just Barney’s version of what happened when someone close to him is missing and Barney is found past out with two bullets missing from the gun he was holding – the film is actually Barney’s version of his life. The make-up crew should be credited as Giamatti does seem to age several years as the story is told.
What is hard to believe is that three semi-gorgeous women fall in love with and marry short, frumpy, baggy-eyed alcoholic Barney during his lifetime. But then again, since this IS Barney’s version, perhaps the wives weren’t really as attractive as the women Barney conjures up to play them in his ‘version’.
Thinking that way helps to buy the premise.
It opens in present day as we discover that Barney has an ex-wife and two grown children. He works at a television studio called ‘Totally Unnecessary Productions’ where they product totally unnecessary products (apparently)
Marc Bolan & T. Rex introduce the first flashback to 1974 where Barney & his drunken cohorts, Boogie, Leo & the black guy are carousing with the ‘1st’ Mrs. P. whom Barney married because he knocked her up. When their stillborn child comes out dark skinned, pow! there goes the black friend. And soon afterward, the 1st Mrs. P.
On to Montreal in 1975 when Barney meets an out of his league Jewish Princess (played by Minnie Driver) who for some unknown reason falls in love with & marries Barney. At their wedding reception, Barney meets his true love, Miriam Grant (Rosamund Pike)
When Barney asks who the guy with Miriam was, the 2nd Mrs. P. tells him he’s her gay cousin who pretends to be straight so he doesn’t embarrass the family.
“Better to live a lie rather than embarrass the family, sure,” Barney mutters.
So newlywed Barney begins to shower Miriam with gifts & flowers because she wrote down the score of the Stanley Cup finals game that Barney was missing due to his wedding.
Watching this tale, I knew I didn’t like Barney, I didn’t like his in-laws; his friends were hard-core alcoholics & I simply couldn’t buy into the concept that Minnie Driver would fall in love with a drunk that looked like Paul Giamatti (Even with the cute French-inspired wig)
Still, I wasn’t disliking the movie – I credit the witty dialogue. These people weren’t likable, but they said some clever snappy lines that kept me interested.
The one redeeming character was Barney’s dad, Izzy (Dustin Hoffman) an ex-cop that pokes fun at the exasperatingly Jewish In-Laws and defends his son against the homicide detective obsessed with charging Barney with murder.
Barney, it turns out, despite being a raging alcoholic that never seems to think he has a 'problem', has an extremely lucky life - for a loser.
I think I liked this movie for it's uniqueness - it reminded me at times of Michael Douglas's 'Solitary Man', except Barney is a schlub who obtains a comfortable living by lucking out.
There were a few questions I had at the end of the film, which I won’t relate here since they’d give away the ending so I’m hoping they’ll be answered in the sequel when he hear ‘Fred’s Version’.

IF I PICKED THE OSCARS . . .

SICKEL & EGGBERT – IF WE PICKED THE OSCARS...

BEST PICTURE NOMINEES . . .

FAIR GAME
The FIGHTER
GET LOW
The GHOST WRITER
IRON MAN 2
The KING’S SPEECH
NOWHERE BOY
RABBIT HOLE
SECRETARIAT
SHUTTER ISLAND

BEST ACTOR NOMINEES . . .

LEONARDO DICAPRIO (Shutter Island)
MICHAEL DOUGLAS (Solitary Man)
ROBERT DUVALL (Get Low)
AARON ECKHART (Rabbit Hole)
COLIN FIRTH (King’s Speech)

BEST ACTRESS NOMINEES . . .

CATE BLANCHETT (Robin Hood)
ANNE HATHAWAY (Love & Other Drugs)
NICOLE KIDMAN (Rabbit Hole)
DIANE LANE (Secretariat)
NAOMI WATTS (Fair Game)

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR . . .

CHRISTIAN BALE (The Fighter)
PIERCE BROSNAN (Ghost Writer)
BILL MURRAY (Get Low)
SAM ROCKWELL (Conviction)
GEOFFREY RUSH (King’s Speech)

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS . . .

AMY ADAMS (The Fighter)
HELENA BONHAM CARTER (King’s Speech)
ANNE MARIE DUFF (Nowhere Boy)
MELISSA LEO (The Fighter)
KRISTEN SCOTT THOMAS (Nowhere Boy)
BEST DIRECTOR . . .

TOM HOOPER (King’s Speech)
JOHN CAMERON MITCHELL (Rabbit Hole)
DAVID O. RUSSELL (The Fighter)
MARTIN SCORSESE (Shutter Island)
SAM TAYLOR-WOOD (Nowhere Boy)

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE

DESPICABLE ME

AND THE WINNER’S ARE . . .

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS – ANNE MARIE DUFF
(runner up Melissa Leo)
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR – CHRISTIAN BALE
(runner up Geoffrey Rush)
BEST ACTRESS – NICOLE KIDMAN
(runner up Naomi Watts)
BEST ACTOR - COLIN FIRTH
(runner up Leonardo DiCaprio)
BEST DIRECTOR – DAVID O. RUSSELL
(runner up the other 4 nominees)

BEST PICTURE - SHUTTER ISLAND
(runner up The King’s Speech)

COMPANY MEN

“COMPANY MEN” (Ben Affleck, Tommy Lee Jones, Chris Cooper, Maria Bello, Kevin Costner & Craig T. Nelson)

Having been a victim of ‘downsizing’ a couple of years ago I thought I would relate very closely with this film... Didn’t happen.
I’ve always gotten a chuckle out of those who make the claim that ‘Hollywood doesn’t connect with the common man’. I’ve always found there to be an abundant supply of moronic films specifically made for the common American male. But this time its true – If Hollywood (in this case writer/director John Wells) thinks that the average American that lost his job in the last few years and is struggling to make ends meet these days can relate to these $100,000+ salaried corporate bigwigs & smug board room jackasses, they (he) are (is) sadly mistaken - At least from the opinion of this struggling American male.
Bobby Walker (Ben Affleck) saunters into a conference room bragging about the game of golf he played that morning (Yawn!) so it was hard to feel sorry for this arrogant jerk when he gets the axe. These bozos think they’re so important that the company couldn’t survive without them so they continue living high on the hog despite being in a country where the economy is in a definite meltdown mode.
Tommy Lee Jones plays Gene McClary – best friend of the CEO of GTX (Craig T. Nelson) Gene is indignant when Bobby is let go, but when 60 year old buddy Phil (Chris Cooper) is dismissed, Gene doesn’t seem to care that much... possibly due to the fact that his best friend also fired Gene on the same day.
There’s a scene where Gene’s wife asks if he could get one of the corporate jets to fly her girlfriends to Florida to play golf. After Gene stares at her for a reply, she says, “Fine, we’ll fly commercial.”
With a story like this, isn’t it imperative that the audience feel bad for these people?
Gene seems like a decent guy until we discover that he’s cheating on his wife & when we find out who he’s cheating with, it makes him even more unlikable (& a cringing little prick for staying with the girlfriend) Gene introduces this less-than-half-his-age woman to his grown son. “Boy, dad,” the son says, “she’s young enough to start another family with!” Then in the next sentence bemoans the fact that ‘mom’s having a rough time and is being forced to sell the house.’
Not only are these sleazy jerks hard to take, their offspring are pathetic and heartless as well..
Gene laments how he misses ‘$500 lunches & $3,000 hotel suites’... Yeah, me too... A**hole.
Meanwhile, Bobby is attending job interviews with the swagger of the guy who is actually doing the hiring; “I was making $120,000 at GTX, but I’d be willing to start for $110,000 as long as there are bonus clauses involved.”
The day after Bobby’s $30,000 severance package runs out he sells his Porsche (& we’re supposed to get teary-eyed over this?) His son has to sell his X box – How does someone making $120,000 a year not have enough in the bank to afford a game for his kid? Shortly after this, Bobby & his family move in with his mother & father – I mean, holy crap, how much does a round of golf cost these days?
Phil is the only nice guy in this mess, but he becomes a bitter drunk, thus turning him into a rather depressing character.
The only redeeming character is Kevin Costner as Bobby’s brother-in-law; a carpenter that is hard on the outside but with a soft, marshmallow center.
Being fired is a very humbling experience but it takes Bobby a long time to finally realize that he isn’t the greatest thing since 2-ply toilet paper so that even when he does turn the corner and starts becoming ‘human’, I still didn’t feel happy for him. I was glad that he finally wised up, but still felt that underneath it all was a jerk waiting to pounce yet again...

The WAY BACK

“The WAY BACK” (Jim Sturgess, Ed Harris, Colin Farrell & Saoirse Ronan)

‘The Way Back’ is based on a true story – a story that sounds like it would make a fascinating movie – but the problem is, despite the remarkable feat the characters accomplish, the translation to film is kind of boring.
Based on a book titled, “The Long Walk”, that is precisely what you get here – 40% of the film is simply scenes of guys walking; walking over snowy mountains, walking thru forests, walking across deserts. They walk and they walk and they walk for 4,000 miles.
At the beginning of the film we are told how seven men escaped from a Siberian gulag in 1940 and that three of them made it to India. If we do the math that means four will perish - Except, that’s not what happens. And for me that lessened the achievement of the three that ‘survived’ the entire trek from Siberia to India.
It starts off strong, the film’s central character, Janusz (Jim Sturgess) is given up as a spy to the Nazi’s in Poland by his wife, who was obviously tortured into betraying her spouse.
Janusz is sent to Siberia. As they parade the new prisoners into the gulag they are told that escape is futile since even if they make it past the guards, there is nothing but a barren wilderness for thousands of miles and any villagers they come upon will kill them to collect a bounty on political prisoners.
In the gulag, Janusz befriends an American named Smith (Ed Harris) when asked for his first name, Smith replies, “Mister.” Getting up there in age, Smith does not want to die in prison so he joins Janusz in plotting an escape because of the Polish man’s weakness – kindness.
Also joining the party is a violent Russian thief named Valka (Colin Farrell)
When the first member of the escapees meets his demise, Valka scoffs, “Heh, one less mouth to feed.”
The other members of the group include a man with night blindness from working in the mines - along with a cook, an artist & the last man they called the jokester, though I don’t ever recall him saying anything humorous (Must have been that Polish humor that I don’t get)
You’ll enjoy this film if you like looking at scenery – which doesn't cut it for me. Although the feat is remarkable, it is still just a group of guys walking... and walking... and walking... etc, etc, etc...
Other than the elements of weather, they are never endangered. Even when a group of Huns rides down around them on horseback, the fear that something bad may happen is quickly squelched.
The group is also joined by a Polish girl, Irena (Saoirse Ronan) who tells each man a different story as to how she became lost in the forest.
‘The Way Back’ is basically ‘The Incredible Journey’ without the talking dogs & cat.
The acting is fine, with the exception of Farrell who resorts back to his pre-‘In Bruges’ style of hammy, bug-eyed acting.
I’d say part of the problem is that it’s too long (2:13) but then again, would the viewer really get the full effect of the effort if it were clipped down to 20% scenes of walking and walking and walking?
If someone were to tell me this story – taking 15-20 minutes to tell it all, I know I’d find it fascinating to listen to, but unfortunately saying someone walked 4,000 miles to freedom is much more interesting than actually watching them do it...

NO STRINGS ATTACHED

“NO STRINGS ATTACHED” (Ashton Kutcher & Natalie Portman)
This is the perfect date movie . . . if you want to end the relationship.
Adam (Kutcher) meets Emma (Portman) at summer camp when they’re in their early teens. After she consoles him for being treated like a geek by the other kids, he asks her for an uncouthed favor and she simply says 'no'.
They meet again in their late teens & since Ashton doesn’t look like such a geek anymore, Emma invites him on a date. We then see Emma’s mother, a grieving widow at her husband’s gravesite, surrounded by mourners dressed appropriately in black – Except Adam who is wearing bright yellow sweats with Michigan Wolverine lettering. Some audience members snickered at this – It turned me against this film and I knew the thing didn’t stand much of a chance of winning me back. That scene wasn’t funny because NO ONE WOULD EVER DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT. This (supposedly) young woman PURPOSELY RUINED HER FATHER’S FUNERAL – Made a complete mockery of her father’s death while showing a complete disregard for her mother’s devastation. Making Emma one callous bitch.
The film then turns into an episode of ‘Glee’ as we discover Adam’s job is as an assistant on the Ivan Reitman-directed TV show of singing and dancing high school students. The joke being that Reitman is the actual director of the movie. First James L. Burrows releases a total piece of crap & now Reitman sinks to his lowest level with this garbage.
By the time Adam & Emma reach their mid-thirties (& the actors actually start looking their age) they still behave like teenagers. This isn’t funny either, it’s more sad than anything else. ‘No Strings Attached’ is as meaningless as the casual sex these two immature airheads are constantly having as ‘friends with benefits’.
And the writing doesn’t help matters; within a two minute span each of the main characters asks someone, “What up?”
Whilst dining with Adam’s father (Kevin Kline as an over-the-hill one-time child star of an early 70’s sitcom called ‘Great Scott!’) Emma then has the gall to tell dad & his girlfriend (an ‘ex’ of Adam’s) that THEY’RE behaving like children.
Throughout the film Adam acts as though he can’t stand his father - hooking up with his ex-girlfriend was the last straw - yet when he hears that his father has OD’d on cough syrup, a panic-stricken Adam immediately rushes to the hospital, dumping Lucy, the well-built production assistant (Lake Bell) that adores him.
They try to make dad seem... well, I don’t know what Reitman was going for when he filmed a scene of dialogue where Kline states that he’s "58 years old and has 6 pictures of his (penis) on his phone – plus two others of someone else’s (penis)". . . I don’t normally like to use ‘text speak’ when I write, but after hearing this line I did think, “WTF?”
The only entertaining moment came for me when Adam burned a ‘period’ CD for Emma to play when it was her ‘time of the month’ – as Emma was reading off the titles, I felt certain that the obvious choice, Alice Cooper’s “Only Women (Bleed)” would start playing, but it didn’t – wasn’t even on the mix! So, to compensate, I started playing the song in my head – the long version – it was the best 5 minutes of the film.

The SOCIAL NETWORK

“The SOCIAL NETWORK” (Jesse Eisenberg, Andrew Garfield & Justin Timberlake)

I was told to expect to dislike Jesse Eisenberg’s true-life character Mark Zuckerberg within the first 5 minutes of ‘The Social Network’, but that didn’t happen... it took about 2 minutes to just dislike him which gradually turns to a deep seeded hatred as the film progresses.
The Nerd Zuckerberg is shown conversing with a young woman in a pub. Zuckerberg talks at a rate of 2,000 words per minute and says virtually nothing. As he bounces from subject to subject without slowly his breakneck speaking speed I wondered why this girl would subject herself to this inane torture. I assumed she was a student Zuckerberg was tutoring so she had to associate with this clown – when it is revealed that the couple are dating, I was more appalled by her than him – Why didn’t she simply get up and walk away from this jackass?
I worked at a sportsradio station for 18 years in Seattle, so when Zuckerberg ‘invents’ Mitch’s Bigger Dance (Matching two females against one another & voting which one is hotter) I wasn’t impressed – Mitch was doing it years before Zuckerberg & although I like him, I would never consider Mitch to be a ‘genius’ for coming up with this idea – the boys at Harvard, however, would.
In the first half hour or so of ‘The Social Network’ I knew what was going on, but I really didn’t care – it was meaningless to me. ‘Inventing’ a website similar to several others didn’t strike me as brilliance – it was boring.
The younger generation that actually uses these communication sites to post unnecessary communiqués might have been fascinated by it – but I couldn’t fathom why – it really isn’t a mind-numbing or world changing invention, so what’s the big deal? (& I’m talking about websites where people post what they’re having for lunch & what they’re planning to have for dinner later on – not the entire www . world)
The characters were speaking English, but I didn’t understand half of what they were saying – I began to realize why no one wanted to bad mouth this film – they were afraid it would make them appear to be stupid... I don’t have that problem. I often found myself thinking “Who Cares?” after most scenes because I certainly didn’t.
So the actual inventing (or ripping off the idea) of Facebook is, as I expected, a dull, uninteresting story – what saves this film from being a complete disaster is what happens afterward; when The Nerd Zuckerberg goes from being an annoying know-it-all into a complete Douche Bag (& yes, I meant to use capital letters because this is what I would have nicknamed Zuckerberg if I had known the guy – D. B. for short)
The story perks up when Nerd Zuckerberg interfaces with another professional rip-off artist, Sean Parker (Dusty Craterlake) and they begin to scheme as to how to totally screw over the only friend Zuckerberg had, Eduardo Saverin (Andrew Garfield)
Fellow Harvard student Eduardo provided the financial backing for Zuckerberg’s dream of ripping off the Winklevoss Twins’ idea of creating a social network on the internet. In D. B.’s mind the fact that he ‘tweaked’ the Winklevoss plan made it his domain.
The movie bounces between flashbacks and a deposition involving Douche Bag’s & Saverin’s lawyers – That wasn’t annoying, in this case it helped the viewer figure out what was going on. At times, Zuckerberg actually shows some slight compassion for the friend he completely f---ed over, but those moments are brief and don’t erase the fact that Zuckerberg is, underneath that mindless nerdy chattering robot brain, still a Douche Bag.
His ex-girlfriend (the one from the opening scene, and another victim of D.B.’s egomaniacal callousness) tells him when he attempts to win her back, “You think everything you have to say is so brilliant that it must be shared by everyone.”
Which perfectly describes this guy. Sure, his knowledge of computers and hacking and the fact that his fingers go whizzing across a keyboard almost as fast as he talks is impressive, but what did he actually ‘invent’? Something that was already available - which he stole, tweaked & used to make himself one of the world’s wealthiest Douche Bags.
And it all started from blogging . . . something HAS to be done to stop these guys from just writing whatever they feel about people... what they’re eating... or movies that they’ve seen. It just isn’t healthy for society to be hanging on these jerks every word. . .
So I’m thinking Taco Time for lunch. Do you LIKE THIS? Do you want to leave a COMMENT?